"Well, it's only a quarter..."

The beauty of the quarter boxes is that I find and buy books that I would normally not even take a second glance at. If the cover looks even mildly appealing or the subject matter might be something I like, in the pile it goes. Everybody always says you should "broaden your horizons," right? It's true, and it's even better when you can do so on the cheap. I may not like everything that I grab out of the cheap bins, but when they are less than a dollar, how can I really complain?

What better way to try new things then to pick up a "Special Introductory One-shot." After hearing all of the praise for Jay Faerber's Noble Causes series on multiple podcasts, I decided that I would be looking for some issues, and just my luck, I found Noble Causes: First Impressions #1 in one of the cheap boxes. A lot like DC's Secret Files books, Noble Causes: First Impressions #1 uses a couple small stories to introduce the reader to the Noble family, a family of superheroes that save the world while being followed around by the paparazzi and talked about in the tabloids. Both stories were written by Faerber with pencils from Billy Dallas Patton on the first story and Patrick Gleason (of Green Lantern Corps fame) on the second. Now I am going to be perfectly honest here. The book didn't really do anything for me. I knew going in that the series was a "soap opera with superheroes" but I guess I didn't know how much soap opera there would be. I don't know if I can explain it real well though since there are a lot of superhero books on the shelves that seem like soap operas too. Look at Spider-Man. Geez, how many hearts has he broken? I guess the difference is in the characters. Spider-Man and Mary Jane are multifaceted characters while it felt like every character in Noble Causes were just basic soap opera type characters. Maybe I need to try more than just this introductory issue.

Next up, we have a Top Cow two-fer: The Darkness #3 by Phil Hester and Michael Broussard and Witchblade #118 by Ron Marz & Stjepan Sejic. I came into both of these books totally blind. Top Cow has kinda flown under my comics radar and the only things I know about these books is what I have gleaned from ads and podcasts. Thankfully, both books had well written recap pages so I had enough info to know what is going on and enjoy both issues. (There has been some debate lately about recap pages. I find myself firmly on the pro side. I love a recap page and I think they can be pretty important. Every book is someone's first, right?) Admittedly, based on these two issues, I think I have been missing out on some goodness from Top Cow. I really enjoyed both issues. I can't think of one serious villian-based book from Marvel or DC right now, and The Darkness seemed to have a very cool premise of Grand Theft Auto meets Venom. In one scene, the Darkness summons all of these "darklings" just to make a giant pile to fling himself onto a helicopter. One word: epic. Phil Hester, I applaud you sir. I see the purchase of some Darkness trades in my future. As for Witchblade, I will admit I had some preconceptions. Like I said before, all I knew of Witchblade was what I had gleaned from ads and magazines, so I assumed that Witchblade was just a simple cheesecake book. Most of the ads for the book have the title character wearing little more that strategically placed armor, and honestly, I like the ladies just as much as the next guy but cheesecake books don't really do anything for me. That is why I never picked up any Witchblade books. Sadly, I wish I had known that I was wrong. I might have picked up a Witchblade book a long time ago. The story in this issue was very cool with the son of one of Witchblade's enemies taking up his father's quest to steal the Witchblade. Artistically, the issue shined. I was amazed by Stjepan Sejic's painted art. Sejic's art alone would be enough to make me buy this book on a regular basis. Top Cow is batting a thousand with me right now and I will be looking for more of their books in the near future.

Now I saved the best for last. I present to you Boris the Bear Slaughters the Teenage Radioactive Black Belt Mutant Ninja Critters. This was one of those books that I saw laying in the quarter box and I knew I had to make it mine. Produced by Dark Horse Comics and written by Mike Richardson, Randy Stradley, and James Dean Smith with Smith on art as well, Boris The Bear is one of those books that just makes you ask yourself "What in God's name were they thinking!?" Well, luckily for the reader, they ask that very question in the preface to the book on the inside front cover. Apparently, Boris is the answer to the horrible influx of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles clones and ripoffs that flooded the comic book market in the 80's. Just so you know Boris's answer is of course a machine gun and katana which he uses to brutally kill Usagi Yojimbo, Cerebus, the Ninja Turtles, the Hamster Vice, Ambush Bug, Snoopy, the Looney Tunes, Captain Carrot, the Ewoks, the Smurfs, and many more cartoon favorites. (The best part of the book was the one character Boris spares from his carnage: Droopy Dog. Boris just says "You can go. I like you.") Honestly, Boris the Bear really was interesting to read, purely as an artifact of the 80's. I was right in the TMNT demographic at that time so I never realized how much the Turtles took over pop culture. I loved them and the more I had of them the better. I guess they needed a bear to come and clean house a little, and that is how we got Boris. This is the kinda comic I dig in the longboxes for.

A Late 90's Christmas

It hit -7 degrees today here in Chicago so what better time to sit on the couch in some warm clothes and read comics. Not just any comics though. With Christmas less than week away, it is time to break out the egg nog and the Christmas-themed funny books. I have been saving a handful of books specifically for the Christmas season in order to get me into the holiday mood. Whenever I see Christmas or Halloween books in the quarter bins, I always grab them and put them in a special box and save them for their particular season. It works out to be a real money saver too since new issues are so overpriced. Honestly, $5.99 for a Christmas one-shot is a little outrageous. My older Christmas issues for 50 cents a piece will do just fine, thank you.

I ended up reading three hoilday specials today. The first two books I read were both special Christmas anthologies: DCU Holiday Bash III & Hellboy Christmas Special. Since I read the DC book first, I guess that is the place to start. The DCU Holiday Bash III (from 1998) is a collection of seven holiday stories set in the DC universe. It had the obligatory stories of Superman saving people with a smile on his face while Batman stays in the shadows and Wonder Woman not fully grasping the ideas behind the holiday. We have all seen stories like this either in the comics or the many DC cartoon series. Even though we get stories like this practically every year, I don't feel like I have been cheated or anything. Actually, it wouldn't be Christmas without them. It is like watching A Christmas Story. I know they show it continuously all day on TV but I watch it because it is tradition. Reading about Superman and Batman arguing about the holidays is the same thing for me; it is tradition.

The story that really got to me though was titled "Home for the Holidays." It follows some of the superpowered inmates of the DC universe on Christmas Eve, specifically Shrapnel, a C-level villian that I had never heard of before that has a body made of metal. We follow Shrapnel as he plans his escape from jail. His only reason for trying to escape is to see his daughters. Though he does have a dangerous ability, Shrapnel is just a low level thug who steals to keep food on the table for his family. The last two pages of the story just got to me when he succeeds in escaping only to get home after his daughters have fallen asleep and he can only look at them for a moment before the cops come to pick him up and bring him back to jail. Thanks a lot DC, now I feel depressed. Maybe I should move on to the other anthology I read.

Now I know Hellboy so I should have known that reading the Hellboy Christmas Special (December 1997) probably isn't the best idea when I want to pull myself out of a funk. The whole anthology dealt with Christmas horror stories. From demons to giant spiders to possessed children, this one had it all. Aside from the Hellboy story at the beginning of the book, I had never heard of any of the other properties in the book. I think that kind of prevented me from really enjoying this as much as other people since I had never heard of Steve Purcell's "Toybox" characters featured in the second story or Gary Gianni's "Corpus Monstrum" of the third story. They were solid stories but I got the feeling that they were meant for readers that were more familiar with the characters. I did really enjoy the Hellboy story though, don't get me wrong. It was classic Hellboy with some good old demon fighting. Also, I have to mention the Geof Darrow pinup in the middle of the book with a giant floating killer Santa. Now that is how you say "Merry Christmas!"

I am going to save the third book since I actually have a lot to say about it so keep an eye out Tuesday night. It will be like a early Christmas gift from me to you (and no, you can't return it.)

There is no giving thanks in comics.

I thought finding some mention of Thanksgiving in comics would be easy and would make for a good blog post for the long holiday weekend. Then I started to dig through my boxes, looking for something that I could write about, and I realized that this search would be harder than I thought. Oh, I assure you I will have plenty to write about when Christmas comes around. The "Big Two" put out X-Mas books every year and every year those issues inevitably find their way into the quarter bin by January. When it comes to Thanksgiving though, there is very little comic book representation. Google couldn't even help me find something. It has to be pretty bad if Google can't find anything. Therefore, I have decided to give you all a special treat. I present to you Godzilla Vs. Barkley.

If you were to list the greatest battles in comics, you may say Batman versus Superman or Spider-Man versus the Green Goblin. I have seen the light though, and now I know that those answers are flat out wrong. There will never be a more epic, mind blowing confrontation than that of the battle that was waged between the king of the monsters, Godzilla, and the king of the hardwood, Charles Barkley. The obvious response to this is "but Charles Barkley is a mere mortal...how could he stop Godzilla?" That is where the magical silver dollar comes in. I concede that a regular-sized Charles Barkley might have some difficulty defeating Godzilla, but when armed with the magical silver dollar given to him by his "biggest fan," I know I would sleep soundly knowing that Godzilla had met its match.

I can already hear your next question. "So the silver dollar makes Sir Charles huge, but then what? Godzilla still has his fire breath and is almost impervious to any attack. What could Barkley do?" You're going to hit yourself when you see how obvious the answer is. You challenge Godzilla to a basketball game on an abandoned Air Force base of course! (And for some reason Bill Cosby, Jack Nicholson, Jimmy Carter, and Rush Limbaugh are there too to watch the game.) In the end, Barkley beats the 20,000 ton lizard and leaves it in a canyon to practice its layups. So if you are ever driving near a canyon near the California coast and you hear a giant monster shooting hoops, steer clear. It is probably still a little steamed that it lost to Charles.

In all seriousness though, this is the kinda comic book that I am always looking for when I dig through a quarter box. Obviously part of the Nike ad campaign of the early 90's, this book must have netted Dark Horse Comics some big bucks. That is the only explanation I could make for how something like this could ever make it to print. Godzilla Vs. Barkley should never have been made, but it was and therefore I must read it. Yes it is a complete case of fascination of the abomination, but I can't help it.